Yami Pegasus' Broken Toiletry

World Tour Part 1: England

2005-08-03T14:19:00.000-07:00

Over the next few weeks/months/however long it takes, I'm going to post about the entire relevant world, one country at a time. Please note that I am in one of the countries that I will make fun of (I won't tell you which), and I will make no more offensive remarks about any other people than I do about myself. I believe in insulting everyone equally, mostly because the whole world deserves to be insulted. That's what they get for existing.

England really has a lot of great stuff. For example, a queen. While this may not seem important to someone who doesn't understand, it is actually quite a huge deal. The queen has the power to go pretty much anywhere and do whatever she wants. This is a great deal better than a king, who may only move one square at a time. Another great thing that England has is maps of London, which can be somewhat more than necessary at times. Also, England has Monty Python. Actually, England "had" Monty Python, but they have since broken up. But still, France never had Monty Python. Neither did Iraq, Brazil, China, or Slovetzia.

Of course, there are also plent of things that England doesn't have. One major instance of this is flavored food. Even when they do bother to use actual seasonings or spices of some sort, the majority of their food has about as much flavor as a wall. I guess they figure that, just like a wall, flavor is not needed, as it isn't really meant for consumption. (Willy Wonka tried flavored wallpaper a while back, but it didn't catch on, for similar reasons.) Another thing England doesn't have is the Eiffel Tower. Instead, they have Big Ben, which is like the Eiffel Tower except not shaped the same or for the same purpose. Its purpose is to let people know the time. Unfortunately, if you're standing anywhere near it, the clock on it will at too much of an angle to be seen, thus making it about as useful as airbags in a racing simulator.

Okay, that's it. I don't feel like writing anymore today. But, unlike ever before, I'm going to update semi-regularly! Woohoo!

Life and You: Getting the most out of what you're given

2005-06-16T16:46:00.000-07:00

WELCOME TO THE NEW AND IMPROVED YPBT!!! "How is it new and improved?" you ask. Well, it has this post. That wasn't here before. This post is the new part. The improved part is that, umm... It has more posts than before. So the post count is bigger, or improved. Well on to the post.

Oh yeah, and remember to hover over underlined text. Just as always.

Have you been thinking about committing suicide? Well, don't. It's a bad idea. Why? Because it is painful. I know this from experience. And you might fail, and get caught, and arrested, and live an even more miserable life in prison. Instead, what you need to do is make your life NEW AND IMPROVED. This can be done in just a few easy steps, which I don't feel like counting.

Step 1. Eat lots of food. Then you will become overweight and can meet new people at your local health club or gym. If you're anorexic this will also help. If you're bulimic, you can go to the hospital as a reasonable substitute instead of the health club. And meeting new people will help you feel better. You know the old saying, "When life throws you lemons, eat them until you get fat or throw up."

Step 1. Be religious. People with religion generally feel better than people without. And you get to belong to a community. If your religion is Satanism, then you're pretty much screwed, because your house will be invaded by hordes of Mormons who are telling you that you'll die. That is NOT fun.

Step 1. Read a book. Not a self-help book, because that will make you feel pathetic. Instead, read an adventure, mystery, or "Teach yourself _______ in 24 Hours" book. Those will make you feel powerful, brilliantly deductive, or ______. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES read a joke book, because the jokes aren't ever funny, and will make you cry. Wimp.

Step 1. Go shopping. Maybe buy yourself a new pair of shoes or a new dress or a new poster of Johnny Depp. You could also buy yourself a new addiction, such as trading cards, crafts, or Hello Kitty.

Step 1. If all else fails, join a gang. Most gangs are marked by a special "flag" such as red shirts, bandanas, or "Hello Kitty" apparel. Try to avoid gangs that sport any of the following: The Color Pink, Rainbows, Bicycles with bells, Wizard hats, Darth Vader costumes, Lightsabers, Knives, Guns, Hand Grenades, and drugs. All of those are just asking for trouble.

I hope that at least somebody finds this advice helpful. If you don't, then you probably just didn't follow my directions properly.

VIDEO GAMES ONG!!!!!!!11

2005-05-20T23:54:00.000-07:00

Anyone who follows video game news should know that the three main competitors of the next few years have been announced and detailed over the past few days at e3, a major expo where video game stuff happens every year. Anywho, I feel it's my duty to inform my faithful readers what the new goods are like.

XBOX 360
One of the key features of the XBox 360 is that it has a concave design. This means that you cannot stack anything on top of it. This is Microsoft's way of saying, once again, "Convenient design is for wimps." The new controller has all of the same buttons as the old one, but some of them are in highly stupid places. This is due to the fact that Microsoft firmly believes that backwards compatibility has nothing do do with hardware, and is entirely in the software. Obviously, they've never played pinball. The XBox 360 will launch sooner than it's competitors, thus giving them less time to make finishing touches or use better hardware. In conclusion, it's basically just an oddly-shaped computer with less software. Also, the controller is blocky and uncomfortable.

PLAYSTATION 3
One of the key features of the Playstation 3 is that it has a convex design. This means that you cannot stack anything on top of it. It's also ridiculously huge, perhaps as a way of alienating their own Japanese market, who generally don't have enough room in their homes for anything bigger that a piece of paper. The PS3 is also much more powerful than any other video game system or home computer, and is therefore perfect for boxing matches. In order to make sure that nobody forgets that it was made by Sony, they decided that the logo should use the EXACT SAME FONT as the title of the movie "Spiderman" This is important because nobody would want to accidentally think that they were playing Gameboy. Also, the controller is shaped like a banana. In fact, it may very well be a banana.

NINTENDO REVOLUTION
One of the key features of the Nintendo Revolution is that it has a small design. This means that you cannot stack anything heavier than a postcard on top of it. It also suffers from "non-existance sydrome", meaning that there is nothing inside the box. In theory, it can create "wow-ing" visuals, but in practice... err... There is no "in practice" because it's nothing more than a box. It will supposedly play older games, but nobody outside of Nintendo has any evidence that it even contains a processor. Scientific Experiments have shown that the disc drive, though it contains a really glowy blueish light, does not accept any sort of disc. Also, there's no controller. At all. Nothing to show for.

In conclusion, the more comments I get, the more I'll post. And the funnier I'll be, because it means that I put more effort into each post.

(untitled)

2005-01-19T17:48:00.000-08:00

Today, I have decided that I MUST complain about Microsoft's "Notepad" software included with Windows. For those of you who don't know, Notepad is a text-editor. No formatting features, no picture insertion, nothing. That is not the problem. There are a few more bigger issues that need worked out.

1. In the Win98 and Win95 versions of Notepad, one MUST use the mouse to save. The oh-so-standard "Ctrl+S" feature is NOT available.

2. It renames files. When I attempt to make a file for my website, I'll tell it to call the file something like "index.html" or "page2b.php". Unfortunately, Notepad decides that I MEANT to call it "index.html.txt" or "page2b.php.txt". While this feature could come in handy for new users of Windows who forget to put file extensions on their filenames, advanced users HATE this.

I needed to include something in a box like this...

FINAL VERDICT: Microsoft loses with a score of 0 to 1,000,000. Rather than trying again, just include a link to Download.com for me to download a better product than "Notepad".

2005: It happens again

2005-01-01T01:31:00.000-08:00

I went months without posting before, and now I'm posting almost twice a month. Why is that? Because I'm bored. So let us begin.

It's that time of the year again. Some of you may have stayed up late partying, whereas others may have forgotten what season it was. But that doesn't change the fact that the new calendar year has begun. While this has no actual significance on anything, a lot of people think they have to make resolutions, thinking that the new year will somehow make it easier for them to improve their character flaws. To them I say: "You are all morons and should never reproduce." Allow me to explain something. Jan 01 was Julius Caesar's birthday. He CHANGED the calendar so that his birthday would mark the beginning of the year. Therefore, Jan 01 does not have any cosmic significance, it just shows some dead dude's cosmic ego.

My topic is NOT New Years, that's just an intro. I am NOT about to go on a tangent.

I guess, then, that horoscopes are also thrown off by my cosmic discovery. At least the monthly and yearly ones. We have no idea when the "true" month begins. Also, why would the planets and stars just happen to work in certain ways and predict certain things based on OUR calendar? I guess that throws out weekly horoscopes, also. And time zones prevent daily horoscopes from being any good. Put simply, horoscopes are a cosmic joke.

I'm listening to music while I write this.

Chain letters. They're fake. The fortune cookie will NOT appear after you forward the email to enough people, and the fact that you don't understand computers well enough to realize that it is impossible will not change it. There is no way of keeping track of email, so Microsoft/Bill Gates/Wal-Mart/The Government/Whatever will NOT donate money to some charity for circulating an email. Bad luck will not result from not sending copies of the snail-mail you receive, as there is no logical connection. LETTERS AND FORWARDING DO NOT HAVE ANY COMPLETELY UNRELATED EFFECT, EVER!

So, are you figuring out how this works, yet?

Okay, here's the last one. Tradition means nothing. It can be fun, but when it's too much of a hassle, just let it go. Unless the bride is bare, nothing bad can come from the groom seeing her before the wedding. Think of any tradition. Unless there's more to it than just tradition for the sake of keeping things the same, tradition can be ignored safely.

Okay, that was the last one. I'm almost done.

My point is, people need to incorporate simple logic into their everyday lives. Don't do or believe things just because people tell you to, do or believe it because it makes sense. It doesn't need to make sense scientifically (we have yet to learn so much that even what's considered to be laws could end up being wrong), just as long as there is SOME logic behind it. While there is no logic in galactic movement causing you to lose your job, there is logic in bowel movement causing it.

While there is no logic in a lot of stuff, there is a "cosmic" amount of logic in the fact that I'm posting this.

That Time of the Year

2004-12-18T15:27:00.000-08:00

Just a single week until Christmas. You know what that means. I don't. Live with it. Instead I'll tell a tale of digging.

Today I was digging in my yard. A few weeks ago, some plumbers came to fix a problem. My parents, sisters, grandfather, and I were forced to dig a WHOLE LOT just to create access to the necessary pipes in two days before the plumbers arrived. Since then, we've spent a few weeks putting all that dirt back in place.

The moral of the story: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

err... Nevermind.

Didn't I do this last year also?

2004-11-25T22:45:00.000-08:00

Ah. It's beginning to look a lot like Thanksgiving. 'Tis the season to eat Turkey. A crap load of cooking and cleaning to prepare for relatives. A bunch of whiny nieces/nephews/cousins will spend the whole time asking first if it's dinner yet and then afterwards when it's time to go, fathers/grandfathers/uncles/brothers talking about boring things like cars, and mothers/grandmothers/aunts/sisters chatting about boring things like clothes. The whole time, your family-type unit doesn't recieve a single compliment or thanks for the nice dinner and such. Those stupid lazy scum. And then, starting the next day, you have about a month to buy these same people hundreds of dollars of gifts, making sure not to forget anybody, and not getting any thanks. Also during this month, you need to set up a tree (or candle or whatever), lots of decorations, and a big general "Christmas spirit". Chances are, someone in your house is going to be playing "Jingle Bell Rock" loudly about one hundred percent of the time. Maybe someone will watch a bunch of crappy Christmas cartoons to even more ruin the mood. And then the day finally comes. People open presents, wrapping paper flies all around, some idiot leaves the door open, and a neighbor's dog poos on your carpet. You are left to clean everything up, and by the next day everybody seems to have forgotten about it entirely.

Good luck, people. Try not to die this year.

Only some of what you just read was based on things I've experienced, but it has all been real for someone. I think you should donate a can of "SPAM" to your favorite charity. It might end up with someone who has suffered from the post-November holiday rush.

To Scan or Not to Scan?

2004-11-13T02:24:00.000-08:00

.:IN THE FOLLOWING FEATURE, TEXT WILL APPEAR WHENEVER YOU HOVER YOUR MOUSE POINTER OVER UNDERLINED WORDS.

Yup. You got it. More computer humor. Due to my last post's very good feedback, I decided to try again. Also, check out minor updates...

In the real world, people get sick with viruses. In the fake world, computers get sick with viruses. I've set up this nifty math equation to show this.

VIRUSES=VIRUSES

The other analogy is harder to remember:

BACTERIA=SPYWARE

My computer had spyware. This caused it to slow down and not act like it should. It never actually sneezed. Anyhow, I spent roughly two hours giving it "medication" (Ad-Aware) to "cure" it. This took longer than I had hoped as the "bacteria" was multiplying rapidly. I was forced to give my computer an "overdose". I think it may have become a pill-popper because of me. Throughout the whole thing, I ended up getting rid of a whole lot of *****. Side effects of Ad-Aware include nausea, drowsiness, addiction, and complaining.

.:In conclusion, don't let your computer go outdoors in the winter without a jacket.

Databases - The Other White Meat

2004-09-25T09:34:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows anything has probably heard the term "database" before. It doesn't matter if you're thinking of Microsoft Access, the football coach's clipboard, or some nonsense you programmed in BASIC on your old Apple II, you've probably heard of it. But have you ever tried to use one?

After roughly five hours spent late last night attempting to install a MySQL database on my web server, I now consider myself to be an expert. I know how to type stuff in an MS-DOS prompt, I know how to type stuff again hoping that it might work, and I know how to download a program off the internet and type stuff to install it. I was almost tempted to "learn" how to bash in the screen on my computer monitor with nothing more than a cotton swab and a piece of paper. Anyhow, I got it figured out. Therefore, since I am an expert, I thought I would tell my faithful audience (who probably thinks I don't update anymore) how to install their very own MySQL database.

1. Download MySQL.
2. Unzip MySQL.
3. Redownload MySQL after finding out that your zipped copy is corrupt.
4. Lather.
5. Rinse.
6. Repeat step 2.
7. Move MySQL to a convenient but safe place, such as the "MY MUSIC" folder in "My Documents" or the Recycle Bin. (Yes, I'm using Windows. It's all that's worth the time.)
8. Open up an MS-DOS Prompt. If you are running Windows NT, 2000, or XP, this may involve lots of swearing, because there is no MS-DOS Prompt in those systems. You should open Command Prompt instead.
9. Press CTRL+ALT+DELETE 3 times. If this doesn't work, press ALT+F4.
10. Call a professional, because you have no idea what the heck you're doing.
11. Call your best friend and ask for money, because the pro is too expensive.
12. Call AA, because by now you've probably been driven to excessive drinking.
13. Don't call me, because I will hunt you down and make you regret it if you do.

Congradulations! You now have a working MySQL database! Stop bothering me!

Smell ya later,
-Yami Pegasus

I'm not dead

2004-09-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

Yo, noodles. Update soon. Current status: really busy with my book. Trust me, it'll be worth the wait.

Smell ya later,
-Yami Pegasus

Instruction Manual

2004-05-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever bought a product only to find that the instruction manual was written by somebody who:

1. IS INCREDIBLY INCOMPETENT

2. IS OBVIOUSLY NOT A NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER

3. HAS NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE PRODUCT

I think you get the point. If you were paying attention, you also would have noticed that the question is not ended, by a question mark or some other punctuation. Here's my creation, which is mostly unreadable.

Page 1.
Thank you of buying product, we hoping of your luck is good with new your product.
-------
Page 2.
TABLE OF CONTENT....2
In order to installing yours....3
How one use much features sofware program....4-5
When to installs on the machines seperate....6
Operate simple and function....7
Problem that used to be solved....8-9
In order to receive or require assist....10

DISCLAIMER: Thank you of buying product, we hoping of your luck is good with new your product.
-------
Page 3.
In order to installing yours
1. Insert CD into drive labeled "Product Installation Disc 1 and 2"
2. The procedure provided will be on-screen, but maybe it wasn't.
3. If the solution not correct, then start run:d:\setup.exe.
4. Click next for yes and cancel for no.
5. If you need to, than the setting will be changed.
6. When is done running, the finish is highlight.
7. Sometimes the serial number are wrong and needs to installing once again.

DISCLAIMER: Thank you of buying product, we hoping of your luck is good with new your product.
-------
Page 4.
How one use much features software program
The program have lot of incredible features included in deluxe package. If you didn't bought the deluxe package, there is less the features. The deluxe modes are labeled by a star*. When first time run, will asking for individual key code find appropriate on chapter in booklet given. All has different random number help previnting copy of illegal. Each features installing seperate to chapter 6 learn more. Also is important remembering all six modes, as because of they might be used in a later chapter.
(section still on next chapter)
-------
Page 5.
Modes
Tile mode* - each view is let to find.
Letter mode* - all the writing is to space in order.
Standard mode* - sorts all the lists AlphaBetically.
External mode* - this mode is for use with corresponding product.
Process mode* - to process other versions into together.
Default mode* - used to select a mode.
Enhanced mode - this version didn't need of the deluxe package.

DISCLAIMER: Thank you of buying product, we hoping of your luck is good with new your product.
-------
Page 6.
When to installs on the machines seperate
1. You are want installing the features.
2. Insert the CD into the drive labeled "Product Installation Disc 3 Through 8".
3. Press corresponding key in order of desired feature.
4. Product activation key may require. In order to do this, see appropriate chapter.
5. Some feature can only be install simultaneously, therefore choosing wisely.
6. When to uninstall remembering to replace entire program, but key code invalid.
7. See chapter 10 for to buy new key code if replace.

DISCLAIMER: Thank you of buying product, we hoping of your luck is good with new your product.
-------
Page 7.
Operate simple and function
In order operate, basic knowledge system operation requiring. Most syster used a basic pointer which move, point, and click. Some operation requtire click two, but need fast. Some operation requre click hold move re-point before unclick. See include tutorial if assist with motion of. Also is there associated product which can use to connect and alternate as second input. Graphics required in order to for using associated product.

DISCLAIMER: Thank you of buying product, we hoping of your luck is good with new your product.
-------
Page 8.
Problem that used to be solved
Q When I turns on the program on, but it writes it on the screen missing dll runprog2.dll.
A Sometimes try reinstall the software application but maybe it needs reinstall Windows.
Q The install procedure is require insert disc 2 but already I am insert both 1 and 2 disc at the together?
A The memory is hard drive on at least given amount for setup. Therefore, take unburn CD of drive and let burn R;W.
(section still on next chapter)
-------
Page 9.
Problem that used to be solved
(section still of preference chapter)
Q When I was done of install process, but it still not work more monitor shut off problem arise.
A First careful because make sure compute plugin on of wall than if not don't electrocute of plugin again.

DISCLAIMER: Thank you of buying product, we hoping of your luck is good with new your product.

DISCLAIMER: Thank you of buying product, we hoping of your luck is good with new your product.
-------
Page 10.
In order to receive or require assist
Telephone-555-1234
email-customers@DWINC.co.or.g
If need help or suggestions, phone corresponding number or email.
For bugs, use extension #1.
For Tech-SupPort, use extension #2.
For suggestions, use extension #3. The same extensions will function on phone number and email.
When if we receive suggestions, all your suggestions are belong to us.
Or you can call us at 123Fake-St.

DISCLAIMER: Thank you of buying product, we hoping of your luck is good with new your products.

Now, just keep in mind that the box probably said "FULL COLOR SCREENSHOTS INCLUDED IN INSTRUCTION MANUAL!"

In conclusion (closing) there are too (2) many reasons why not to (2) get the cheap twenty (20e) dollar ($) product with an (N) unfamiliar brand name.

Yami Pegasus Presents

2004-04-10T07:53:00.000-07:00

Yup. I have a new blog. It's called Yami Pegasus Presents and you can find it here. It's basically just another one like this one, except on more serious issues (even if I don't take a serious perspective on those issues). Anyhow, this is the only link to it for now, as I haven't had time to put one on my main page. To prove that this isn't a complete gyp, you can actually find a relatively funny post there. But beware the formatting on any weird "tablets" or "PDAs" or anything like that. I haven't tested to see if it will show up right, and personally, I don't care.

The Five Types of People

2004-02-26T21:02:00.000-08:00

Found it! haha. And now for the update you've ALL been waiting for!!! No, I'm serious. You were actually sitting at your computer for a few weeks waiting for this, so hereitis!!
--
In order to keep up with recent times, I have decided to write a generic classification of humanity. Humans fall into five different categories, each with different characteristics:

Smart Female

Generally not as smart as she appears

Takes tougher classes in high school/college to show off

Wastes countless hours cramming for tests

Gets job as secretary

Shallow Female

Seconds world peace only to her own appearance

Very self-absorbed

Always blonde: natural, bleached, or dyed

Most popular female at school

Gets job in cosmetics

Talkative Female

Never stops talking

Wastes lunch time talking instead of eating

Loves telephone

Unable to accomplish anything

Gets job as telephone receptionist or in telemarketing

Friendly Female

Tries to be everybody's friend

Only person who is able to withstand Talkative Female

Too nice and kind for her own good

Tomboy Female

Doesn't share any mental traits with other humans

Mom-type Female

Enjoys making casseroles

Goes to at least 5 childrens' soccer or "Little League" games during her lifetime

Has high morals

Expects angelic behavior and grades out of her children

Child

Needs sugar-cartoon-character cereal to survive

Worships and believes television

Interested only in most current fad

Knows that other gender has cooties

Male Type-A

Insensitive

Stupid

Big ego

Strong

Gets job moving or delivering furniture

Male Type-B

Insensitive

Geek

Big ego

Weak

Gets job in programming or engineering

Drug Addict

Gets bad grades in school

Can't spel

Doesn't get job OR gets job dealing drugs

It occurs to me that the number of types of people I listed (10) is NOT the same as the number of types of people I claimed I was going to list (5). I don't care. Shut up.

Search for yourself on the list. If you can't find yourself, you're probably not human, bud don't let that worry you, because most of us aren't.

Chitty Chitty

2004-02-20T16:14:00.000-08:00

This post is mostly to inform my loyal readers of the formatting changes at this site (5 posts on the front page, COMMENTS BUTTON - yay), but I need to say something so here you go:

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is NOT a Mary Poppins movie. It does NOT star Julie Andrews. Get over it.

Oh, and stay tuned next week for either of the two humorous things I have prepared to share with the world.

--Yami Pegasus
"If there was no tpyos, there would be no humro."
-me

It appears I've Gotten Lazy

2004-02-14T11:13:00.000-08:00

No, I haven't gotten a new La-Z-Boy reclining chair. What I'm trying to say is that my update-level around here has gone WAAAAY down. A good portion of the reason is that my most recent *PLANNED* update was written down on a piece of lined paper torn out of a spiral notebook. As is to be expected, I lost it. In conclusion, I'm updating with something else, but stay tuned for however long it takes me to find "THE FIVE TYPES OF PEOPLE." And now for the show:

Today is Valentines Day. Anybody with internet access, a real life, or existance in certain non-communist countries can tell you what that means. Lots and lots of pink and red flavo(u)red hearts flooding stores (candy and grocery alike) everywhere. Bargain "Minnie Mouse" and "Disney Princess" and "Whiny the Poop" cards filling elementary school (grade school in some places) classrooms. Ah yes, the sweetness of giving somebody a card with a word search on the back and some meaningless saying on the front. Why on earth would some third grade boy want every other boy and girl in the classroom to "be mine" or "I choo-choo-choose you." I personally DON'T want to "I choo-choo-choose you," especially since the grammatical situation there is sickeningly dopey. I also wonder what the heck is supposed to be romantic about a picture of "Buzz Lightyear" or "Yu-Gi-Oh." This day has officially been "commercialized." So the teacher says something like "Kids, I want you to give valentine cards to everyone in the class. Make sure you give them to everyone of the other gender and your own to make sure you capture both *preferences* and also attach a 'SWEETHEARTS' candy to each one in support of cannibalism just in case one day you eat real hearts. Also, if you want to be a heart surgeon one day you'll need to make sure that you get used to seeing hearts, and you can start out with candy hearts. I'm sure they'll gross you out equally." By this time in twenty years, pink "Post-IT"s will be required of all the students because they're pink. Parents will be required to buy them. "Class, your grade is ENTIRELY dependent on the cash supply of your mom or dad or other legal guardian. If they can't afford a pink Post-IT or are prevented in some other way from getting some for you, you'll have to repeat third grade." Don't worry, though. By that time, the government will have declared Valentines Day a religious holiday and taken it out of schools.

Creative Reading

2004-01-19T14:46:00.000-08:00

First I'd like to introduce a brand new "community" for you people to check out:
Yami Pegasus Broken Toiletry - The Forums. I even used my oldest YPBT Logo on the front page. It is somewhat empty right now, as it was founded yesterday, but with some help, I hope I can get that to change.

************

What is this new "creative reading" thing that I've heard about? I was browsing the web and I came across this advertisement banner. "CHEAP... LESSONS... IN... CREATIVE... READING..." What is this?? The idea of paying somebody to tell you to use a tone in your voice seems completely nonsensical. Reading isn't even a creative exercise anyway. Its only purpose is to help people drown out the rest of the world while straining their eyes. In fact, television is better than books are, which I can prove with this table:

Television VS Books
Television	Books
Can be a social activity	Can't be a social activity
Requires half-hour attention span	Requires 5-minute attention span

Obviously, television is better than reading. I think that I'm going to go out and buy some cheap lessons in educational and creative TV-Watching (picture-in-picture, intense channel-surfing, remote-control battery changing, etc.)

A New Christmas Classic

2003-12-24T22:23:00.000-08:00

'Tis the night before Christmas
And all through the condo,
There's-a trouble a-stirring;
The Problems are "mondo."

The presents are sitting
Alone 'neath the tree,
My roommates are angry,
And I have to pee.

I pick up a clipboard,
A paper and pen,
And write down a line
Every now and again.

It's a poem, you see,
And it's brilliant as such.
It took little time,
But its greatness was much.

My short set of verses
Is not one you knows.
I think you should hear it,
so here's how it goes:

'Tis the night before christmas
And all through the condo...

SUPER MAGIC GIANT TURKEY ATTAAAAAAAAACK!!

2003-11-28T15:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a day of eating little birds that were too stupid to care about the fact that they were going to die.

Thanksgiving originated back in the old days, before the invention of me. One early May morning, a bunch of the more intelligent English people (the ones who migrated here to the USA) rode on a giant flower across the sea (Okay, maybe they weren't so intelligent). When they arrived, soaked because of the low petals on their "ship," they saw two angry tribes of Native Americans arguing over how many sides were needed for a proper pair of dice. Upon seeing this, the colonizers decided to help out; they said '7'. The Native Americans were so grateful for this that they immediately invented and shared corn, turkeys, and electricity with the strangers. Later that day, they found a solution to the food poisoning that had mysteriously appeared that very day (from eating raw turkeys); they invented the first barbecue grills. That night, after an enormous dinner, the group of Native American and English people got together to invent even more things: Massachusetts, Vermont, Poker, Machine Guns, and Burning Stakes. The next morning, about one half of the COLONIZERS were accused of witchcraft and burned at the brand new stakes. A million years later, somebody decided to make a tradition of imitating the past, which is why more people die on Thanksgiving than on any other day of the year.

If this offended you in any way, please note that I don't care.

The Falsified History of Digital Watches

2003-11-24T17:27:00.000-08:00

I love my digital watch. It is perfect exactly the way it is. I remember when these things were new, though; it seems they've changed quite a bit. The first digital watch was somewhat huge, ugly, and able to show exactly three highly pixelated digits. People were perfectly happy with the relatively expensive invention ($25), until of course somebody decided that he would make one that LOOKED nice. It costed about twice as much as the ugly watches. Unfortunately, many people considered 50 dollars to be slightly more than they were willing to pay, so stores such as Wallop-Mart, Okay-Mart, and Starget were disappointed that they had wasted money on something nobody was actually going to buy. They decided not to trash them; instead they kept them just in case they could eventually turn a profit from their misfortune. For a while, supply was high. Demand was also pretty high, but it was the demand for lower priced watches. After a few years, the cost of a nice-looking digital watch went down, but all was not better yet. Just weeks after everybody was finally happy, somebody figured out how to make a watch that worked just as well, but was smaller. Although better-looking than the original watches, most were still bigger than people would have liked. The brand-new-yet-outdated-tomorrow style was "in," so the general population had no choice except to complain that the new watches were too expensive. Just as before, the new watches soon went down in price, and new watches with even MORE features were introduced. These features included: Date, Water Resistance, Stopwatch, TV Remote Control, Cellular Phone, Videogame, Internet Browser, Electric Back Massager, Calculator, etc... Only a few of these things ever actually caught on, and even fewer are horrendously common. Date, Water Resistance, and Stopwatch are a few things that almost every digital watch today has. Calculator watches are somewhat popular, but not nearly as much so as many people would like to believe. Remote Control and Cellphone watches can be found if one knows where to look, but they are somewhat heavy, not very functional for what they are, and expensive. Internet Browser and Videogame watches only lasted about a month each because their small sizes made them difficult to use. SONY probably still manufactures them, though, because impossibly small sized equipment doesn't seem to bother them. I actually have an electric-back-massage-watch, but it only works with an extension cord, and the numbers are always shaking in an epileptic sort of way. Getting back to my story, most of these watches were marketing flops but a few still seem to be doing pretty well. In the past few months, the biggest noticable changes in digital watches are size and Velcro. For no apparent reason, they are getting bigger again. With quite obvious reason, more are beginning to be made with special HOOK-AND-LOOP TECHNOLOGY(registered trademark of nobody important. In conclusion, I need to go buy a new 12-inch diameter vacuum-cleaner watch. Oh, and sorry about the late update. My watch broke so I couldn't figure out what day of the week it was.

English Class

2003-11-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

It's a book. It's Called "Heart of Darkness." It's pathetic.

Perhaps that's why it's becoming required reading at millions of high schools across the country. As far as I could tell, the story was about some British dude who goes to the jungle for an adventure and finds a violent psychopath who is extracting ivory from the elephants and keeping it, but then is killed by the jealous prostitute. There. Joseph Conrad told that long, boring story in roughly 188 pages of dull droning and misuse of words that nobody knows anyway, and I retold it in a single short sentence that a two-year-old could understand. Unfortunately, garbage like this is gradually becoming more and more common in the realm of high-school-literature-for-English-classes. Teachers seem to assume that if a book isn't very good, it's obviously because there's some sort of a deeper message or meaning hidden within the roots of an otherwise irrelevant paragraph somewhere in Chapter 478. It never occurs to them that it could be (and this is far more likely) that the author of the book can neither come up with a good plot line nor write it well. After careful examination, I concluded that a book can be written in any of three ways:

1. The reader enjoys it and possibly searches for a copy of the sequel. This type of book will not usually be found in schools.
2. It causes people to hate English class. (School boards LOVE these!)
3. It's the 40th book in a monthly series, probably distributed by Scholastic. (Everyone has 'em, nobody reads 'em.)

So remember, kids: If all else fails, you can still resort to threatening your teacher with the breath of unbrushed teeth.

Dress Code

2003-11-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

In order to view Yami Pegasus' Broken Toiletry, you'll need to follow this newly instated dress code. Failure to comply could result in a loss of dignity, money, etc. Don't worry. This won't even have more than a small effect on most of you.

SHIRTS:
T-Shirts only. (No buttons, blouses, zippers, sweaters, etc.)
No advertisements, or any logo that endorses anything except me.
No vertical of diagonal stripes.
Horizontal stripes must have vivid patterns planted within them.
No drugs, alcohol, etc.

PANTS:
Blue-jeans only.
No shorts during cold weather.
No shorts during warm weather.
No sweatpants.
No buttons-instead-of-zipper pants.
No snap-buttons.

DRESSES:
Women deserve equal rights. Men can't wear dresses. 2+2=...

SKIRTS:
See dresses.

SHOES:
Sneakers/Tennis Shoes only. (no dress shoes, heels, sandals, flip-flops, etc.)

GLOVES:
Weight-lifting/Wrestling/Fingerless gloves only.
Wear 2 matching gloves or no gloves. Do NOT wear just one glove.

WATCHES:
24-hr analog watches only.
No digital watches.
No 12-hr analog watches.
No date/time watches.
No stopwatches.
No calendar watches.

HATS:
No blue ski caps.
No ski caps.
All logos must endorse either me or Hawaii.
No baseball/football/basketball teams.
No sports teams.
No helmets.
(For your own personal safety, please wear a helmet.)

UNDERCLOTHING:
Nothing visible.
Nothing with patterns or designs on it.
No designer underclothing.

GLASSES:
No sunglasses.
No glasses with stupid frames.
No cat-eye contacts.
No designer contacts.

JACKETS:
No leather.
No silk.
No logos.
No denim.
No goat-lining.
No fur coats.
No medical-doctor jackets.
No trenchcoats.

If you still have a hint of sanity left, you can read my next article next friday.

Small-Scale Screen-Size

2003-11-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, My friend Steve came to school armed with an unbelievably small laptop. The keyboard was exactly the right size for a five-year-old to press all the keys at the same time with just one finger. The screen was about 2 inches high and 3 inches wide, which is perfect for playing gameboy games, but not so good when trying to operate a real computer. He loaded up some short 7-minute movie, and within 5 seconds he was laughing at it. I was busy trying to see the screen and hear the sound, which was coming out of a single MONO speaker almost big enough to see when looking closely enough. Had he been watching it wearing headphones, I probably would have been able to hear better. Afterwards, he folded his laptop shut, causing it to shrink to the size of a deck of cards. I was able to make out the word SONY engraved on the outside of the case. The idea of SONY working on compactness without caring about actual usability didn't surprise me in the slightest. I started wondering, "Why the heck do they put so much hard work into making it operate smoothly, and then require a person to be at most 1 foot tall to operate it properly?" Then the answer came to me. They're Japanese. Now remember, I don't have anything against the Japanese. Japan and the Japanese are cool. But they're also somewhat shorter than the 6'5" people bumping into low ceilings in the US. That computer is the perfect size for them. If any SONY representatives happen to read this, please note:

1. Your computers are awesome.
2. Americans are tall. We need bigger computers.

Thanks & Happy Halloween!