Thursday, June 16, 2005
Life and You: Getting the most out of what you're given
WELCOME TO THE NEW AND IMPROVED YPBT!!! "How is it new and improved?" you ask. Well, it has this post. That wasn't here before. This post is the new part. The improved part is that, umm... It has more posts than before. So the post count is bigger, or improved. Well on to the post.
Oh yeah, and remember to hover over underlined text. Just as always.
Have you been thinking about committing suicide? Well, don't. It's a bad idea. Why? Because it is painful. I know this from experience. And you might fail, and get caught, and arrested, and live an even more miserable life in prison. Instead, what you need to do is make your life NEW AND IMPROVED. This can be done in just a few easy steps, which I don't feel like counting.
Step 1. Eat lots of food. Then you will become overweight and can meet new people at your local health club or gym. If you're anorexic this will also help. If you're bulimic, you can go to the hospital as a reasonable substitute instead of the health club. And meeting new people will help you feel better. You know the old saying, "When life throws you lemons, eat them until you get fat or throw up."
Step 1. Be religious. People with religion generally feel better than people without. And you get to belong to a community. If your religion is Satanism, then you're pretty much screwed, because your house will be invaded by hordes of Mormons who are telling you that you'll die. That is NOT fun.
Step 1. Read a book. Not a self-help book, because that will make you feel pathetic. Instead, read an adventure, mystery, or "Teach yourself _______ in 24 Hours" book. Those will make you feel powerful, brilliantly deductive, or ______. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES read a joke book, because the jokes aren't ever funny, and will make you cry. Wimp.
Step 1. Go shopping. Maybe buy yourself a new pair of shoes or a new dress or a new poster of Johnny Depp. You could also buy yourself a new addiction, such as trading cards, crafts, or Hello Kitty.
Step 1. If all else fails, join a gang. Most gangs are marked by a special "flag" such as red shirts, bandanas, or "Hello Kitty" apparel. Try to avoid gangs that sport any of the following: The Color Pink, Rainbows, Bicycles with bells, Wizard hats, Darth Vader costumes, Lightsabers, Knives, Guns, Hand Grenades, and drugs. All of those are just asking for trouble.
I hope that at least somebody finds this advice helpful. If you don't, then you probably just didn't follow my directions properly.
Oh yeah, and remember to hover over underlined text. Just as always.
Have you been thinking about committing suicide? Well, don't. It's a bad idea. Why? Because it is painful. I know this from experience. And you might fail, and get caught, and arrested, and live an even more miserable life in prison. Instead, what you need to do is make your life NEW AND IMPROVED. This can be done in just a few easy steps, which I don't feel like counting.
Step 1. Eat lots of food. Then you will become overweight and can meet new people at your local health club or gym. If you're anorexic this will also help. If you're bulimic, you can go to the hospital as a reasonable substitute instead of the health club. And meeting new people will help you feel better. You know the old saying, "When life throws you lemons, eat them until you get fat or throw up."
Step 1. Be religious. People with religion generally feel better than people without. And you get to belong to a community. If your religion is Satanism, then you're pretty much screwed, because your house will be invaded by hordes of Mormons who are telling you that you'll die. That is NOT fun.
Step 1. Read a book. Not a self-help book, because that will make you feel pathetic. Instead, read an adventure, mystery, or "Teach yourself _______ in 24 Hours" book. Those will make you feel powerful, brilliantly deductive, or ______. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES read a joke book, because the jokes aren't ever funny, and will make you cry. Wimp.
Step 1. Go shopping. Maybe buy yourself a new pair of shoes or a new dress or a new poster of Johnny Depp. You could also buy yourself a new addiction, such as trading cards, crafts, or Hello Kitty.
Step 1. If all else fails, join a gang. Most gangs are marked by a special "flag" such as red shirts, bandanas, or "Hello Kitty" apparel. Try to avoid gangs that sport any of the following: The Color Pink, Rainbows, Bicycles with bells, Wizard hats, Darth Vader costumes, Lightsabers, Knives, Guns, Hand Grenades, and drugs. All of those are just asking for trouble.
I hope that at least somebody finds this advice helpful. If you don't, then you probably just didn't follow my directions properly.
